Behind These Blue Eyes

1. What I was doing 10 years ago:
1998; hmmm, I was finished school. In fact, I was probably sitting exams round about now. Preparing for a summer of dossing around with friends and have many, many house parties. I miss those carefree days!

2. What 5 things were on on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

Work x5

3. Snacks I enjoy:

mmm, ice cream! ooh, or milkshake!

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire:

Take at least a year out and travel round the world. Maybe never come back.

5. Places I have lived:

Kings Lynn, Norfolk

Middlesbrough, North Yorks

Darlington, County Durham

Sunderland, Tyne & Wear

Ames, Iowa, USA

Reading, Berkshire

Twickenham, Middlesex

Addlestone, Surrey

Bishop's Stortford, Hertfordshire

Kingston-Upon-Thames, Surrey

Lower Morden, Surrey

Life just got a little bit simpler, and also even more complicated at the same time!

I'm still sure I don't want anything to happen with yoga girl so that's nice to have a final decision, I can just draw a line under that and get on with life. I was trying to just be normal with her, as friends, but it doesn't seem as though that's going to be possible. My housemate keeps saying ahh you just have to be normal with her and a tiny bit flirty in a friend way or something to show that everything is ok.
I hadn't really given that much thought but when I was in Italy I spoke to her and made a vague plan to go round and fix her wardrobe (which I said I'd do ages ago but haven't got round to) and watch some film that looks crap that she reckons is brilliant.
Now, I don't know about you, but I make about a hundred vague plans with friends every week, the vast majority of which never happen or certainly don't always within the next few days. Maybe it's because I'm so busy and always travelling around, but most of my friends are the same. We think of something we'd like to do, say we should do it, then never get round to it.
Well, about five days after I got back from Italy I was away again - still in the country this time, but away from home. And that lot went out for the Sunday night and it turned out she was in a grump because I'd made a plan for just the two of us to do something and then never followed up on it. I don't think it helped that I'd had a bit to drink when I made the plan, but I was absolutely not battered. I remember the conversation fully, I never forget anything no matter how drunk I get and I'd litereally only had a couple of beers. At no point was it a coupley thing or a come on, but apparently I've been leading her on again.
So now I just can't be bothered putting too much effort into being mates with her for a while because it seems like every time I do she's going to get the wrong idea and I'm going to end up being the bad guy. I don't know what else to do, short of saying 'look, I don't like you that way so nothing is going to be a come on no matter how much it looks like it might be to you, I'm just being friends.' But that seems quite harsh and I don't think I would ever actually say that to anyone. I have enough guilt just simply for not liking someone back, without having to hurt her feelings!!

So, yoga girl aside, there are now two more girls on the scene. Not really sure how that happened but it has. The first one I haven't actually met yet. She started emailing me after we were both involved in a group email with some people we both know. She must have roughly known who I was through someone but I didn't know her. She's quite keen and she seems nice enough and good fun. Can't really tell much from emails so I agreed to meet up next week for a drink. It was a bit forward when she said 'So, are you going to ask me out or am I going to have to keep dropping subtle hints' I, of course, was oblivious to any hints, but I do think that people just being straight forward should be encouraged. Far better than playing games for ever and not knowing.
This might sound bad, but tough, this blog is for writing how I really feel about things. I can say the things I'm only supposed to say to my friends. I'm actually finding it a bit off-putting that she's texting me all the time. How stupid is that? When you like someone you want to text them all the time. But I just hardly know this girl and think it's a bit soon for her to get excited. She can't possibly like me that much because she doesn't know me!!
To be fair a lot of the texts were just arranging where to meet up, but yesterday was the first day she didn't text me all week and when she does she keeps saying things like 'sorry to text you so much, don't think i'm a stalker, but......' Not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing that she's aware of it. Anyway, that's all besides the point really, I'll meet her on Tuesday and see what's she like and how we get on, I just thought it was weird that I would have negative feelings because someone is contacting me a lot. That probably tells me a lot more about how happy I am being single at the moment and how much I'm just enjoying living my own life without having anyone else to answer to or even think about.
But that's not an easy thing to explain to someone, especially if I do like her and want to see her again, but just not all the time!

Oh yeah, and the other girl. I know this girl through mutual friends but I don't know her well at all. I don't even know the friend that well, more of an aquaintance really. Anyway she's been emailing back and forth too while I was away last weekend.... It probably says a lot about me that 99% of my contact with people is by phone or email. I'm just away so much that I hardly ever seen my housemates, people I work with, or friends, never mind people I hardly know!!

Anyway, I'm getting on really well with this chick and I think we have a lot more in common. I'm sure it sounds awfully shallow but I also know this girl is quite pretty, whereas the other one I've only seen one pic of and it's hard to tell. But then, shallow as it sounds, you've got to be attracted to someone haven't you!

So yeah, now I have to try to avoid leading yoga girl on again, meet this new chick and see what she's like, and probably arrange to go out with the second new chick if I keep liking her more.

And when am I going to find time to do all that? In about two hours I'm off to work another weekend - France this time. Can we please extend the week to at least nine days because there just aren't enough in mine as things stand!!

Thought I should post some sort of update tonight because I go to Italy tomorrow and I'm not back for a week so there'll be nothing new to say in the meantime.

The last couple of days have been really good but flat out. Monday evening was required rest time after knackering my body bowling for the first time this year on Sunday.

Yesterday was five-a-side, which was a cracking game and i scored a beauty, which always helps! Then we had an evening in the local beer garden with a load of folk from work which was really good because as a group of colleagues we don't spend as much time together as we should outside of the office.

I had a cricket net tonight, which went really well. But it did mean that I didn't swim again today. And now next Wednesday is the next chance I'll have when I'm back from Italy so I hope I don't lose too much ground.

I'm still just as indecisive about women as I was the last time I was expressing my anguish here. We had a drunken night out and Flossy ended up sleeping in my bed (with me), but it was made clear beforehand that it was just cos there was nowhere else to sleep and there was nothing to it etc.. Things got a bit cuddly (from both sides I have to admit) but I knew I didn't want anything to happen and despite her kissing me a couple of times I was quite proud that I didn't let anything happen. (You know what it's like when it's 5am and you're both pissed).

So yeah, I think Jess has had some sort of chat with her about things cos she made me level with her (Jess) at least. Which is that I do like Flossy a lot, just not in a sexual way. She seemed to be avoiding me for a few days but things seem to be alright again now.

I'm just left fighting the occasional urge to think more about her and want to do something after all, and the other occasional urge to do something with my ex from three years ago.

Training is going swimmingly, literally! I managed 50 lengths of the outdoor pool without a break the other day. That's 1km, and the Pier to Pier swim is 1.4 miles. Not there yet, but making progress.

Cricket season also started today, for me anyway. We won, which is good of course. But oh lord I had a shocker to start with. Thankfully it got a bit better as it went on, but there really is no substitute for practice. So not only am I struggling to find enough hours in the day to fit in the gym and the pool, but I now need to fit in cricket nets at least once a week too!

ahhh where to start...

well at least the training is going well! i've officially entered the Bournemouth Pier to Pier swim. I think it's for the British Heart Foundation but to be honest I'm not doing it for the charity. I should still sort sponsorshop and such cos it's a good cause, but I'm really doing it for me.
July 20th, 1.4 miles, here we come. I think I'll be fine with that one because I'm now swimming 1km every morning and I still have about 11 weeks, so we're on schedule there.
There's also a Dorset charity cycle on July 6th which I'm planning to enter. You can ride 20, 40, or 60 miles depending on how much of a glutton for punishment you are. But I haven't entered that one yet. I think I need a couple more encouraging sessions on the bike before I actually believe I can do that one!

there has been less progress in the love side of life. I'm beginning to warm to Flossy. I'm not sure what it is, it's not a sexual attraction. We're getting on really and I thought it was just the beginning of being really good mates, but I'm still not convinced that there might not be more to it. And since I've thought better of rediscovering Tabatha, that's made things a bit simpler.
I'm still over-ruled by the notion that I really don't want to risk doing anything that might end up making a mess of *another* friendship circle. So for the moment I'm dedicated to doing nothing. Even as friends we're talking more and spending more time together, and I think that should definitely be enough for now.
Me, Flossy, and my two housemates went to the cinema the other night and those two seem to have got the hang of not being weird around us, or being not quite subtle enough, so that was good. And I'm making dinner for Flossy and Jess tomorrow evening so if that goes smoothly, I think we should be into the friend zone - not usually a place I want to end up, but I'm actually aiming for it this time!

my job has always been one constant in my life. i'm a writer and editor, and incredibly fortunate that I absolutely love what I do for a living. Even though it takes up too many evenings, almost all my weekends, and involves regularly being away from home for days on end, I've always been happy in it. It's never been a part of my life that's caused me any bother - which is probably why I haven't mentioned it yet.
but it got a bit confusing when some reality sunk in this evening.
i've recently changed roles slightly, but maintained some of my old role at the same time. It means there are two very different parts to my job. The new bit, which I really enjoy, am totally up for throwing myself into, and is ultimately where the future lies... money, career, all that. Then there is the bit that's left from my last role, which is the bit I love the most. It's the most enjoyable part and the part I've always valued highest, but it's less sustainable in the long term. These two sides are beginning to clash and prevent me from doing the first part as well as I know I should be doing it.
I suppose I have to accept that I need to let the fun, carefree, almost selfishly enjoyable side of it go more, so that I can concentrate on my new role, but at the same time I don't want to because I love it so much.

then another job was offered as a possibility today. not actually offered, but presented as something to think about. it's in America and would involved moving there at the start of next year. And if I went it would have to be a pretty serious commitment to pursuing that role instead of the one I'm in now.

i lived in america for a year when I was 21 and absolutely loved it. That was only ever going to be for one year but I've always wanted to go back. I thought my chance had gone when I settled down with my ex, but now that she's an ex I have the freedom to do whatever I want. The only trouble is I'm not sure if I want to do it permanently. I'd almost prefer to be able to go for a couple of years and then come back if I wanted.
But this is very much either one thing or the other. I'd have to give up the job I have and love now, and it wouldn't be here when I got back. If I went at the job in America properly, it would be a huge opportunity. A chance to make big money and start a whole new life, but it would make it difficult to come back.

........hmmmm, it's a good job I've got at least six months to mull it over.

It’s been quite a while since I last wrote here, but I was abroad for a few days with work and then I typed a long post the other night but the internet crashed before it posted and I couldn’t be bothered to type it all out again.

The situation with Flossy has developed a bit. I found out through housemate Al that she definitely does like me, and that housemate Jess is still trying to set us up – and getting far too carried away with the idea considering that absolutely nothing has happened yet.

We all had a get together tonight and there was the odd comment and not too subtle way of leaving us alone together, but nothing at all happened. I wondered if it might be a bit flirty but it was just like I was chatting with any friend. I don’t know whether things might be different on Sunday when we go out and have a few drinks, but at the minute I just don’t think there’s a spark or anything there.

On one hand I think I should give her a chance because she might turn out to be great. But on the other hand it’s almost as if I don’t care if she could be right for me, I just don’t want to do it right now. And I know I won’t just go along with it and see what happens unless I feel stronger than I do now because I won’t let myself do anything that might mess her around. That’s just not me.

 

Then there’s another issue too. The issue of the ex (the previous ex, not the most recent on). Me and Tabatha split up over three years ago. She’s a bit younger than me and we were just in different places in life, with different priorities, and it didn’t help that at the end we were living far apart. But we were good friends before, and have remained so afterwards – or at least got back there a year or so after splitting.

She’s one of my best girlie mates and she was a good source of advice when I was having problems with my last girlfriend. Since I’ve been single again we’ve talked more and sort of got closer again, I suppose that’s only natural. But on learning about my situation with Flossy, she declared her surprise that I was ready to move on so quickly, and since then there have been little jokes – or supposedly jokes – from both of us about “us”. She’s had even less luck in love since we split than I have, and there seems to be a mutual, unspoken agreement that we had things better together than we’ve had since.

In fact, the break up with my most recent girlfriend showed me just how much me and Tabatha have in common, and that she still might be a better match for me than anyone else. I’ve also come to think that there is a genuine possibility that something could happen there again, although nothing has been said in seriousness.

But now I find myself spending a lot more time thinking about her than I do about Flossy, who is new and a very definite possibility. Whereas with Flossy I don’t really see a spark yet, and don’t seem to want to let myself give her a chance, I can’t stop thinking about Tabatha. She’s beautiful, and so much fun. We’re just completely “get” each other like I’ve never known with anyone else, and I can’t help thinking that if we had another shot at it, it could be amazing.

But then, she’s an ex – so it must be a bad idea, even I think the reasons things went wrong no longer apply. And if I steer in that direction in any seriousness I could easily find that she is not thinking the same.

So things are just more complicated than they were this time last week, and I still don’t know what to do.

 

Things are good on the training front, though. Got a new training schedule sorted at the gym to further improve the cardio/stamina work. Laying off a bit on weights, or bulking up weights anyway, it’s all about increasing the stamina of every muscle now – that’s the only way I’m ever going to ride 50 miles, run a marathon, and swim somewhere far too!

But it’s working, I spent well over an hour going round my new programme in there and I didn’t get bored – which is rare. Then throw in an hour in the (gorgeous outdoor) pool (that will be heaven, and the place I spend all summer, when the nice weather comes) and half an hour soothing my tired body in the spa, and I’ve got a cracking workout sorted.

The only problem is I can’t do it four or five times a week as I planned. Partly because work gets in the way but also partly because my body is just too tired, even to swim, cycle or run, too often and needs more time to recover. I’ll get the hang of it eventually, though.

Oh, and today I also washed my face with hair gel, and forgot to take a change of clothes for when I got out of the swimming pool. I’m not on top form!

Not the Alice Deejay tune from 1999, I mean me.

I've been single for around four months now. Wow, that's actually a lot longer than it feels. I had been in a relationship of a couple of years where we'd got far too serious far too quickly, and had been living together and making plans that career-minded folk in their mid-20s should know better than to start making after only a few months together.

It wasn't all that long before her that I'd got out of another relationship of a couple years, and so it goes on. So I've never really spent much time as just... me.

Now is the perfect time to just be me. I'm back sharing  a house with mates, concentrating on work, and having the freedom to do anything I want. Brilliant. Because I don't really do that when I'm with someone. I tend to get too into relationships and end up voluntarily sacrificing other areas of my life, which I know I shouldn't.... but I can't help it. That's just me. Or at least it was.

I'm free to do whatever I like with my evenings and days off now, and it's great. I was worried that I'd get bored without another half, but I've been pleasantly surprised. I've been able to entertain so many more of my hobbies and passions, and I'm a much happier person for it.

This clearly isn't permanent. I still want to meet someone, fall in love, get married, and have kids, in the reasonably near future. So I figured I'd just go about my business until something, or someone, comes along. And it's a lot easier to find when you're not looking for it anyway!

But now, as there so often is, there's a spanner in the works. One of my new housemate's (let's call her Jess) best friends (hmm, she can be called Flossy), who I've only met three times, has entered the scene. Flossy isn't my usual type (although I don't think that's a bad thing, but I'll come to that another time).

To be honest I hadn't even thought about Flossy in that way until my other housemate (Albert) let slip that Jess had a plan to set me up with her. Psychology is a bugger. Firstly I ask myself whether Flossy has told Jess that she likes me, otherwise the setting up would be a bit pointless. Secondly, it's frustrating how you suddenly think of someone more when someone else puts an idea on the table.

Now I don't know if I like Flossy, it's far too early to tell that. And yes, I could (should, and probably will) just go along with whatever happens and if we end up going out a couple of times to get to know each other better, or whatever, then that's fine.

But knowing my history with women (in a nutshell, getting involved too quickly, falling in love way too quickly... i can fall in love with any pretty girl that i get on with in less than a month - i'm basically a danger to myself) I can't just let whatever will be, be, otherwise I'll wake up in a few weeks having rushed into another relationship. This needs some thought.

The only thought I can muster, however, is indecision. On one hand, I think I really need some 'me' time. Not to figure out who i am, or any of that Dawson's Creek nonsense, but just to enjoy my freedom and get into enough of a routine of living my own individual life that I'll actually maintain some of it next time I do get with someone new.

But what if this Flossy chick turns out to be amazing and I miss the chance to be with someone that I could have been really happy with? She's cute, and fun, and we seem to have quite a bit in common. We seem to get on and she seems sweet. I admit, I don't know her very well yet - there's a greater exploration needed. But for the sake of argument, what if she's brilliant and I let her go by because I'm busy trying to do something that I could very well manage while with someone, if only I could avoid rushing in. That would be pretty silly, wouldn't it? Or is Alice Deejay right, am I just better off alone, for now?

No matter how well you think you've planned something, you just can't win. I mean, nothing is ever just never simple, is it?

I'm in reasonably decent physical condition. I play a lot of sport and gym quite regularly. My diet's not great but I'm fortunate to never have had to put any real effort into maintaining an athletic shape.

But as part of my new life I've decided I want to be able to accomplish some random things, like the London to Brighton charity bike ride next year (56 miles), and a marathon too, and some sort of enormous swim as well - perhaps across the channel (if David Walliams can do it, why can't i?) or if not, then at least that far in a pool. None of this is for any real purpose, just to be able to say I did them more than anything else. And of course it wouldn't hurt if they were for charity or something and actually did someone some good.

So I need to get from decent shape into marathon running, long distance cycling, crazy triathlon, huge swimming type shape. And that's going to require a little bit of commitment.

I decided my rather scattered and directionless attendences and regimes at the gym could do with a bit of organisation this week. Out with only going when I can be bothered, and only doing what I fancy doing each day. In with a plan. Structure, order, discipline... and several other actions words like these. Action words are the key I think.

I devised a light regime (just swimming), a medium (swimming and cardio gym), and a heavy (swim, cardio, and weights), and planned out the week quite carefully. Monday heavy, Tuesday light because I have a football match that evening, Wednesday heavy , thursday light, and friday another heavy one before I go away for the weekend.

But I ended up having to do a lot more work than I planned on Monday and only have time a quick swim. I was free of work on Tuesday so I tried to make up for Monday by doing a bit more, which in turn knackers me out for football. I have a rubbish game and am so sore and fatigued for Wednesday that I can't do anything at all.

But it's alright, I say, I can work at home on Thursday and Friday so there'll be plenty of time to catch up then. Instead, I'm still working away at 8pm both nights and I'm too worn out and frustrated to do anything other than eat and sleep. So three days have now passed and not a finger has been lifted. Dammit, I was up for it as well this week.

I'm a morning person, though, and exersion past 9pm is something of an issue - I'm winding down to unconsciousness by then.

Having worked so much the last two nights I've now scrapped my original plan for tomorrow because I need some relaxation time otherwise I'll die or quit my job or something. Hopefully that will give me the freedom to get up early and do a couple of hours of swimming and gymming first thing in the morning, before the weekend really starts!

While I'm on the subject of gyms, I have a bone to pick. Why, oh why, do some guys (it could be girls too, but the female changing rooms are unchartered territory for me) wander around naked as naturally as if they're in their bathroom at home?!

Don't get me wrong, I'm as comfortable with male nudity as any heterosexual man that doesn't really want to see other men naked. But there's a difference between the amount of naked that's unavoidably required in a communal changing area, and the amount that one has inflicted on them by random guys that just march around happily with everything dangling in the wind.

What are they doing?! You hop out the shower (with a towel round you, please), go to your locker, dry off, and get dressed. There is no need for nude marching!! And there is definitely no need for anyone to ever, EVER, get out of the pool and walk into the spa to be greeted by a naked guy climbing out of the jacuzzi that you were hoping to relax in!! That's just simply not necessary

Where did the last two weeks go, hey? You put your head down to get a bit of work done and time flies while you're not paying attention.

I find large amounts of money extremely intriguing, or, more specifically, the large amounts of money dangled in front of you by the National Lottery. For the sake of argument let's forget about the chances of actually winning the big one and concentrate on the motivation to play it in the first place.

I'm not expert so correct me if I'm wrong, but the average jackpot these days is around £6 million, no? How many times have you thought about what you'd do if you won the lottery? Buy a massive house, a flash car, an expensive holiday, a round-the-world trip, etc... The statistics would suggest that most of us don't play the lottery. So, and be honest here, how often do you think about winning the lottery - or even rely on it as the only way to achieve something you really want - and then not buy a ticket?

Now, I could let this go without a second thought, if only it weren't for the fact that it's these people (including me) who won't shell out for a ticket on a normal week, but if there's a rollover or even a double rollover, we're all off to the newsagents to buy a ticket or two!!

What is that about? "Bahhh, I'm not going down the shop for £6 million." But when there's £15 or 20 million, suddenly it's "ooh, I must remember to get a ticket this week, it's a rollover." Is six million pounds not good enough for us?!

We'll trudge down to the shop at half eight on a freezing cold Saturday morning because some fool has drunk the last of the milk the night before, but we won't stop off on the way home from work for £6 million?

Oh, and then there's the Euro millions. "Hmmm, eeeeeeeeeven less chance of winning this than the regular lottery, you say? More chance of winning the National Lottery twice, you say? Ahh but that jackpot's £23 million and I can buy my ticket online....."

Ok, so I haven't achieved anything particularly significant so far this weekend. Not too many things that I would have regretted putting off, but you can't do something momentus every day!!

I did have something with of a run in with something I don't like and usually think it better to try to avoid.

I'm not a big fan of sat nav. To be honest, I'm not a big fan of many funky new technologies. I still have a video collection, I'm still waiting for mini discs to catch on after taking a punt on the last "next craze", and all the things modern mobile phones can confuses me to the point of feeling like a pensioner trying to heat bread in a VCR.

I've also seen what happens to sat nav addicts. If you're a regular user, it kills off your sense of direction cells and you become completely reliant on it and helpless without it. I know one addict who will blindly follow it, no matter what it suggests, and have absolutely no idea that they've been led astray. They're shocked when they do the same journey with you and it takes half the time. So I avoid the GPS wherever possible.

But I also have an inbuilt, and irreversible, pride regarding my sense of direction. "I don't need a sat nav. I'm resourceful and I know roughly which direction I need to go in, we'll be fine." On this occasion, though,I was going somewhere new, to collect something from people I didn't know, and they were expecting us on time. So I overcame the desire to plough my own trail and borrowed a friend's (pink) sat nav.

A lot of things have happened in the world since the first sat nav came out. They've not been short of time to develop them into machines that can actually be of some use. I feel it's also worth pointing out that this machine was created by the same species that managed to walk on the moon 40 years ago. But somehow, the little German-accented woman, sweet though she sounded, couldn't muster the navigational prowess to get me the four miles of the journey that I didn't know without making several catastrophic blunders.

She was fine on the easy bit, the motorway, that I already knew. It was only when we got to the dark, winding country lanes where it all got a bit much for her and she simply resorted to telling me drive 1.9 miles and turn left, no matter which direction I headed in. I don't know who programmed her, but surely they could have come up with something better than the old (and to my knowledge, unproven) myth of how to successfully navigate a garden maze!

So it was no thanks to technology that I made it there, (almost) on time, and she spent a disgruntled journey home in the glove box, no doubt barking berations at me for not going down her favourite roads! I'll stick to making toast in the VCR and actually getting to the place I'm trying to go, thank you very much.